Failhard
by Algol H
Summary: Because somebody has to make fun of Failsafe, or else we're all just going to cry ourselves to sleep. Now updated for Disordered and Season Two.
1. Failhard

"It doesn't make sense," Robin growled as he paced around the cave's central room, his eyemask staring right through the floor. "No sense at all."

"What doesn't?" Superboy responded, half interested. He was sitting in a plush recliner and reading _The__ Portable __Nietzsche_ while sipping a cup of coffee. His feet were propped up on a stool and he was wearing half-moon reading glasses.

"None of it!" Robin snapped, whirling on Superboy, "Not a single bit!"

Superboy didn't even look up from his book, "Look, Robin. I know that the ending to tonight's episode was a little muddled, but if I understood what Jon was saying, you definitely should have."

"That's not what I'm talking about at all!"

Superboy put the book down in his lap with a sigh. He took off his reading glasses and brought his coffee cup to his lips. After a long sip he sighed at Robin, "Then what are you talking about?"

"Freaking, my secret identity!" Robin gestured wildly, "Okay, so in the Teen Titans cartoon I was Dick Grayson!"

"Right."

"And Dick Grayson was the founder of the Teen Titans in the original comics!"

"True."

"But yet in that cartoon I dressed in Tim Drake's first Robin costume, and my signature weapon was a bo-staff, just like Tim Drake."

Superboy took another sip of coffee, "Is this going anywhere?"

"Just a minute," Robin said, his voice rising as he started to get wound up, "So, in this, the Young Justice cartoon, I'm still Dick Grayson!"

"Yup."

"But in the comics Tim Drake was the Robin who founded Young Justice!"

"Mm-hmm."

"And I act practically identical to Tim Drake. From my attitude to my jokes to my skills."

"Yes."

"And in tonight's episode I did the two extra utility belts around the chest, all bandoleer style, just like Tim Drake does as Red Robin! And my snowsuit had the cowled hood that looks just like Drake's Red Robin costume!"

"And…"

Robin finally exploded, "Why can't they keep it straight! It's obvious they wanted Tim in this cartoon, but they needed Dick! So I'm stuck as Dick pretending to be Tim! God Dammit, it doesn't make any sense!"

"I think you're missing the point." Superboy said, putting his glasses back on and lifting up his book.

"Point? What point?" Robin asked, his eyemask wide and his hair wild.

"We're characters in a damn cartoon. We're not supposed to know any of this."

"Oh… yeah."

…

"Say," Robin said, "No offense, but why am I talking about this to you? Wally's supposed to be my best friend, right? I mean, we just freaking committed bro-taculous kamikaze together in tonight's episode!"

"Yeah," Superboy took another sip of coffee, "But he's off with Artemis."

"What're they doing?"

"Probably staring in an overly-emotional lemon fic."

"Ah!" Robin nodded, "Right. Hey, that begs an interesting question. Why aren't you off getting steamy with Megan? Or, at least, why aren't you holding her while she cries uncontrollably?"

Superboy's coffee cup shattered in his fist. A vein had started pulsing in his forehead. "Because. Apparently. That's. Captain. Marvel's. Job."

"Dude, chill." Robin held out his hands pacifyingly, "He held me after I woke up sweaty and crying in tonight's episode! He's really, like, nurturing and stuff and junk."

"Last I saw he was 'nurturing' her in her bedroom."

"Whoa," Robin grinned, "The power of an H fic. I guess we should stop breaking the fourth wall, then OOC stuff like that wouldn't happen."

"Whatever." Superboy tried to return to his book.

…

"Y'know, it's kinda creepy." Robin mused, "I mean, the ages involved with those two, and everything."

"Tell me about it!" Superboy exploded off the recliner, tossing Nietzsche across the room, "She sixteen and he's like freaking forty!"

"Well," Robin nodded, "That's part of it. At least, that's what's going on, y'know, ostensibly. Or maybe just stensibly."

"Now is not the time for neologisms." Superboy growled, pointing a superfinger at the Boy Wonder.

"Well, what I'm getting at is that neither of them are as old as they appear. It looks like Miss M is getting statutory raped by Captain Marvel, but really Cap is like, what, eight years old? So when you take that into consideration it's like she's sort of statutory raping him. But it gets even more wild when you consider that she's only sixteen in Earth years. She's freaking forty-six in Martian years! That's some /d/ shit right there!"

When Robin turned around to look at Superboy, he was surprised to find him less than an inch away from him. The clone's face was bright red and his breathing was heavy. "Stop. Talking. Or. I. Will. Kill. You."

"Tch," Robin shrugged, "Go for it. This fic totally doesn't count. Besides, even if this was a real episode and you killed me we'd both probably just wake up and find out it never happened, and that this whole conversation was just brought on by Miss M's subconscious desire to make disgustingly unnatural hanky-panky with Capt-"

_BAM!_

Superboy was showered in blood as Robin's gray matter stuck to the walls with a sickening squish.

**-BOOP-**

Superboy's eyes opened as he woke up. Looking around he found that they were back on the tables just like at the end of the episode Failsafe. Robin looked up and over at Superboy, "See, punk, told ya!"

Superboy glared down at Miss Martian. She smiled sheepishly up at him, "Um… make up sex?"

The clone grabbed her and blurred off to a private location.

Robin cackled and walked off.

Kid Flash and Artemis just looked at each other.

"Were we just in sexy fanfiction?" Kid Flash asked the archer.

"Actually," Artemis rubbed her head and tried to think, "I think we were in a sexy fanfiction inside a fourth-wall-breaking parody fanfiction that was set inside a psychic illusion that was referencing an episode about us being stuck in a false, psychic illusion world."

"So…" Kid Flash gestured vaguely, "The movie Inception, basically. You could've just said the movie Inception. Saved everyone the headache."

Artemis made a face at the speedster, "Shut up! You have a crush on me."

Kid Flash blushed, "Do not!"

Artemis smirked as she hopped off the table and walked out of the room, "Do too."

Kid Flash followed her, "Do not!"

Their voices echoed up from the hallway as they walked away.

Aqualad sat up off the table. He looked around the room. He found himself quite alone. A relieved smile broke across his face as-

_PPFFFFFTTTTTTTTTTT_

"Ahhhh," the Atlantean sighed, "I've been holding that in since Targets."


	2. Hardordered

Superboy walked calmly into the cave's kitchen. Half asleep, he moseyed over to the refrigerator and started rummaging through it.

"_Oh, Conneerrr…"_

Superboy stood and turned around, "What was that?"

"_Heh heh heh__…_"

"Robin?" Superboy asked, twisting his head around one way then the other. Before he could react, a blur of red and black flew threw the air at him, sqeeing the entire time.

"Oh, Conner!" Robin swooned as he jumped into Superboy's arms, "We must talk about our problems!"

"Dude," Superboy deadpanned, "Get off of me."

Robin grabbed the clone by his cheeks and nuzzled up under his chin, squealing, "Don't be like that, Conner! I thought the New Gods taught you about the importance of letting out your emotions and not fearing intimacy! Finally, you and I can discuss all our true feelings!"

Superboy frowned. With a single, effortless motion he tossed the Boy Wonder onto a stool by the counter.

"You are not turning this into a RobinXSuperboy slash," Superboy punctuated the matter with a stern point. "Besides," he shrugged, turning back to the fridge, "the comic fans would be pissed. You know they don't go for anything besides KonXTim slash."

"Dude," Robin leaned against the counter and returned to his normal voice, "We've been over this, I virtually am Tim."

The hum of the fridge muffled Superboy's response, "I thought you were Dick pretending to be Tim."

"Tch," Robin said, "Technicalities."

Superboy closed the refrigerator door. Standing, he grabbed the handle to the freezer, "Are you saying you really want to get all bromo?"

"No," the Boy Wonder shrugged, "I just don't like it when people poke holes in my jokes."

"Look on the bright side," Superboy returned from the freezer with a bucket of ice cream and a spoon.

"What bright side would that be?" Robin grinned.

"Dick Grayson is pretty much the stud of DC Comics," Superboy stated matter-of-factly, sitting at the counter across from Robin, "If the show gets a few more seasons, and you survive all of them, you're going to be waist deep in sweaty estrogen."

"Good point," Robin smirked. He pulled a spoon out of his utility belt and dug into the ice cream with Superboy, "I mean, I already hit it off with Zatanna. Flirting is way more action than Tim usually gets. I mean, the kid sees a set a mammary glands and goes into coma."

"True," Superboy eyed Robin's spoon distastefully. Robin pretended not to notice, so Superboy added, "Good episode, you think?"

"Well," Robin spoke around a mouth full of Rocky Road, "It obviously wasn't as intense as the last one, what with the hippie-spartan-god-teens-from-space. Not to mention that it's kinda weird that the Sphere was one of tonight's top three in terms of character development."

"I see your point," Superboy said. "But, hey, at least we found out we won't have to deal with DickBats."

"Tch," Robin smirked, "And we found out that you're a heartless sociopath."

"Not true," Superboy pointed his spoon, "I so binded with the Sphere, and then used that bond to lead the touchy-feely brigade to flawless victory."

"You also said you didn't give a crap when we all died in front of your face." Robin countered.

Superboy shrugged, "Yeah, well, at least that chick from New Genesis doesn't have an annoying catchphrase."

A new voice spoke, "I think you both are missing the point."

"AH!" Robin and Superboy jumped out of their chairs and onto the counter, screaming, "KALDUR OUT OF NOWHERE!"

Aqualad smiled lightly at the two, then produced a spoon and took a bite of ice cream, "Impressively synchronized."

"Thanks!" Robin grinned, sitting back down.

"You be surprised how long it took us to get that down." Superboy sighed, leaning back in his chair. "I mean, we were practicing for the new chapter and the jump move was easy enough but we just couldn't get the shouts synched."

"Took us forever!" Robin groaned.

Aqualad nodded, "Sometimes it's the little things that-"

_-VRRRWWWWP-_

Aqualad froze in mid sentence. Superboy and Robin were similarly suspended. The word **PAUSE** had appeared in the upper left corner of the kitchen.

"Dude!" Wally sat up in bed, gesturing at the paused scene on the TV, "I get that the premise of this fic is that they breach the fourth wall about the Young Justice show, but now they're breaching about the fic itself! That's unsafe levels of self-awareness!"

"Ugh!" Artemis grunted, sitting up herself, "You idiot. We already acknowledged it was a fic several times in the first chapter. If there's any damage to be done it's already been done. Besides, you're only making it worse by pointing it out!"

"Oh," the speedster scratched his chin in thought, "I guess you're right-OUCH!"

"Now," Artemis growled, dragging Wally's head by the hair, "Find the princess's pea!"

"Yes ma'-MMMPPPH!"

_-WRRRRVVVP-_

**PLAY**

"-make the fic difficult," Aqualad said. "But let's not digress."

"Right," Robin nodded, "what point do you suppose we're missing?"

"Well," Aqualad's eyes narrowed. "With the inclusion of these New Genesis characters, we're entering dangerous territory."

"How so?" Superboy asked.

Aqualad closed his eyes and lowered his head, "In terms of moral deviancy."

"Psh-" Robin rolled his whole head, "You don't think we already had that covered when the two month old clone started making out with the shapeshifting quintuagenerian?"

"No, worse than that." Aqualad looked up at the two, "There had always been hints of this fate stalking us, but the signs were easy to overlook. Still, we should have noticed something as soon as we gained Wolf, an animal with near human sentience."

"What are you getting at?" Superboy asked.

Aqualad's eyes thinned to slits, "With the addition of Bear to the show, we now have a large, butch character who is named after an animal and has intense, transcendent ideas about 'intimacy.'"

Superboy's eyes widened, "Oh no…"

Robin's face fell slack, "How didn't I see it before?"

The two looked at each other and gasped, "Furries!"

**-BOOP-**

Bear sat alone in a dark room. By the dim light of his monitor he typed furiously on a keyboard balanced carefully in his lap. A lap clothed only by his Sonic the Hedgehog underwear. His teeth bit hard into his lower lip and his face broke out in a sheen of sweat.

Finally, with a single, vigorous stroke, Bear hit enter.

The screen lit up:

_PoppahBear: Haters gon' hate. U just made because tripfurs is bestfurs._

_Anonymous: Tripfurs are the cancer destroying our way of life! Take your attention whoring somewhere else!_

_The-Gorgeous-Glorious-Sweet-Serene-Tranny-Queen: Please, you are all just jealous of my beauty!_

_Anonymous: THIS THREAD IS SFUR! SFUR! STOOPID NEWFRIENDS!_

_TheGreatAndPowerfulDixie: Every pony just needs to calm down!_

_Anonymous: oh god no…_

_Anonymous: Did somepony say PONY?_

With a rapturous smile, Bear quickly switched his moniker and typed:

_Lyra4lyf: AW YEEEE! BROASTAN IN A BRONY THREAD!_

_JayJonahJameson: Goddammit! I need pictures of Spiderman, not Rainbow Dash! Everypony's fired!_

**-BOOP-**

Aqualad, Superboy, and Robin sat motionless at the kitchen counter. Looks of horror plastered their faces. Aqualad recovered first.

"I think it's time we all enacted our escape plans," the Atlantean stood. "I'm going to DCnU to hide in post-reboot obscurity."

Robin jumped to his feet, "I'm going to ditch back to reruns of BTAS."

Superboy was already on his way out of the door, "I'm going to Earth-Prime!"

_CRASH!_

The scene of the kitchen shattered into a dozen shards of broken TV screen, bathing the bedroom in darkness. Amidst a curious buzzing, Artemis's shaking voice filled the room, "I'M GOING TO DISNEYLAND!"


	3. Happy Hard Year

"So, wait, just 'BOOP' five years later?" Superboy asked, sitting in an armchair, holding a steaming cup of coffee.

"YUP," Nightwing responded, checking himself out in a mirror. "This show seems to be big on the whole 'BOOP' transition."

Superboy sipped his drink, "Isn't that a little, I dunno, lazy?"

"As lazy as an author saying he'd update for every new episode and then just skipping half a season?" Nightwing asked in response, admire his flexing reflection.

"Well, maybe not quite that lazy," Superboy shrugged, "But still, it's a big transition. It's almost less of a second season and more of a second series."

Nightwing turned around, facing Superboy, but instead of looking at the clone, he craned his neck around so he could check out his butt in the mirror, "I just think it seems like that because it's such a cold start. I mean, this is Weisman. The guy's not an amateur. He knows we all want to know what happened in the intervening years. We're obviously going to have a large amount of flashbacks and serious talks. It's a way to streamline character development while reaching an important point in the plot."

Superboy nodded, "True, but I'm just worried that it will be too much of a change. We already had a problem with lack of characterization due to the sheer size of the cast, and now we've expanded that cast and skipped five years. That's not exactly going to help with fleshing people out. Especially if we keep wasting time with Lagoon Boy."

Nightwing bent over to admire the curves of his sculpted ass, "You're just mad because he's banging Miss Martian."

Superboy's face went solid, "Am not. We always knew she was a kinky freak. She was into me because I was practically a baby and fit into her cosplay fantasy. Now she's into a fish boy who can enlarge himself, what's there to be surprised about?"

Nightwing stood and finally looked at Superboy, "I didn't say you were surprised. I said you were mad."

Superboy grumbled into his coffee.

"Besides," Nightwing went on, "I think the whole 'enlarging' part might be exactly why she was into him."

"There's a line," Superboy growled, "And you're toeing it."

"Whoa," Nightwing put his hands up, grinning, "I'm just saying that's she's probably into other shapeshifters, that's all."

"Uh huh," Superboy cocked an eyebrow, "That definitely wasn't a size joke."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Nightwing crossed his arms and tossed his head to the side. "Besides, if she wanted size she'd have gone for me."

"If I had shields, I'd melt your face off and call it an accident."

"What's the matter? Caffeine not quite on par with Kryptonian smack?"

"Not even close," Superboy shifted his weight restlessly. "But, I've got a question. If your theory's right and she's into shapeshifters, why not go for Beast Boy? He's statutory and a shapeshifter. Two for one."

Nightwing put a hand on his chin, thinking, "It's probably the whole 'green' thing. Reminds her too much of home. It's too domestic."

"That's just it," Superboy gestured with his cup of coffee, the steam wafting behind, "He's now technically _related_ to her. I thought incest would be at the top of the list for a freak like her."

"Ew," Nightwing hugged himself, "I feel dirty just thinking about it."

"Makes me feel kinda horny." Blue Beetle said.

Nightwing and Superboy turned to him. He was sitting cross-legged on the ground, eating a taco. "How long have you been there?" Superboy asked calmly.

"And WHY does that make you horny, you sick freak?" Nightwing gestured explosively.

"Since before the fic started, ese. I'm H's new favorite character." Blue Beetle shrugged, "Y no se. Probably has something to do with the X."

"I didn't know Hispanics were big into club drugs." Superboy sipped his coffee.

Blue Beetle pointed condescendingly at the clone with his taco, "That's stereotyping, man! Not cress. Besides, I don't need to hear it from the crack-clone."

"I've been clean for over five years!" Superboy looked up to the ceiling, as if asking for someone to back him up.

"Whatever," Blue Beetle shrugged. "But, anyway, I think you guys are limiting your vision of the weird kinkiness this team has the potential for by narrowing your focus to the green, middle aged chick."

"How so?" Nightwing asked.

"Well, think about it." Blue Beetle started counting off his fingers, "Batcest."

Nightwing dry heaved.

"Beast Boy and Wolf."

Superboy dropped his coffee cup.

"And I have always wanted to see the Supercycle get it on with the Bio-ship."

Nigtwing looked at Superboy after this third suggestion. They both shrugged.

"Besides, you're not even thinking about Jaime," Blue Beelte pointed to himself.

"What about you?" Superboy asked. Nigthwing mumbled something along the lines of 'do I want to know?'

"Well," Blue Beetle began, "First off, my suit is a sentient alien symbiote, capable of transforming itself into various shapes and tools, right?"

The other two heroes nodded.

"So, I'm practically a walking adult toy store!" Blue Beetle shouted, "Seriously, you should see the sick shit the suit does when the ladies flirt with me. He starts producing tentacles, and I'm like, 'NO! DON'T! STOP IT,' And the suit talks back to me like, 'I don't know what you're on about, ese, they seem to be liking it.' And on the one hand he's right, these girls are dripping wet and screaming in pleasure, and for a second I loosen up, but then I remember that I'm visiting a middle school, and then I end up having to mind wipe everyone there. Damn suit, I didn't even know we could do mind wipes! That shit is so useful! But every time I've brought it up since the suit is all, 'No se preguntame, ese.'"

Nightwing and Superboy just stared, slack-jawed.

For one reason or another, Blue Beetle took this as an invitation to continue, "And don't even get me started on the stupid shit that the suit pulls on me. This thing might be robotic, but it is horny as fuck. It's constant whispering sexual shit in my mind. Like, angry, sexual shit. Every now and then it'll start giving me a tug job inside the suit, and before I can stop it-"

"WHOA!" Nigtwing threw up his hands, "I have heard enough for one day!"

"More like a lifetime," Superboy hid his face in his hands.

"Oh shut it," Blue Beetle stood and put his hands on his hips, "Before I got in on the conversation you guys were talking about an inflated fish boy playing doctor with a fifty-year-old, shapeshifting, space dog."

"There's a line!" Superboy growled, "And you're in the process of crossing it!"

"Psh, whatever," Blue Beetle waved at Superboy dismissively. "You know his inflated fishhood has to be the size of a human calf-muscle. He gets in that green backside and they go to town! Then, at the bust, you know she whips out the old, 'HELLOOOOO MEGAAAAN!' while he's all "NEPTUNE'S PUBES!'"

"RAAUGH!" Superboy blurred at the teen, tackling him through a wall at superspeed.

"Heh," Nightwing chuckled to himself, "Neptune's Pubes. Asterous."

He turned around and went back to checking himself out in the mirror. He murmured to his reflection, "Look at that sweet, Nightwing ass."

* * *

><p>In his room at Wayne Manor, Tim Drake sat alone in the dark, staring at a computer monitor.<p>

A full-screen stream of Mount Justice had Tim's undivided attention. He flipped through camera after camera before settling on one with Nightwing posing in front of a mirror. The sounds of a fight and frightened Spanish echoed in the background.

Nightwing's voiced buzzed over the computer's speakers, _"Look at that sweet, Nightwing ass."_

"Oh, I am, Dick," Tim whispered as his face broke out into sweat.

_Zip_

"I am."

…

Wondergirl and Batgirl looked up from Tim's bed. Wondergirl spoke, "Dammit, Tim, if you need to get Batcestuous then come join me and Babs!"

"NO! GIRLS HAVE COOTIES AND YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!"

Wondergirl's face broke into a sadistic grin, "You wanna bet, boy?"

…

"No! No, get away from me! No! No! No!_ AHHHHHH!"_

**"ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY AMAZON!"**

"Hmmmmm," Batgirl grinned, "Sploosh."


End file.
